Once upon a time, years ago
I lost my mind
Now years later,
I think I know why –
I was smoking too much
And drinking too much
Lashing my anger out at strangers
And then thinking too much
But also linking to dust
As I saw deeper than I’d ever prepared for
Surrounded myself with books and forgot what they were there for
Abandoned who I cared for
And rode with the set.
I did several things I wish I could forget
But I,
Never expect to because I haven’t yet
Eventually I had no choice but to see my fallacy
And almost felt good to have a diagnosed malady
Because I could be treated,
And I could live happily
Take my pills or get ill
Like Mickey and Mallory.
Years pass just like this
I go to class just like this
And like a lass I never kissed
My craziness was never missed
And like mist,
The fog of war began to clear
As my graduation date slowly but surely began to near.
Maybe just to add a little challenge to the game,
Or maybe just because God has some malice toward the name
I grew horribly sick,
And had no one else to blame
I let it fester in my chest as I tried to ignore the pain, drained
Essentially, eventually I asked what comfort meant to me
And it mattered more than having my diploma sent to me
So I went to the physicians
Priests of my religion,
And told them of my weakness as though it was a priapism –
I’d kept it to myself
Although each breath felt
Like it might make more sense to trade death to health
But I’m proud and my existence is my one true wealth
So I was loathe to discuss sickness with those
Other than myself.
They said what I had
Was not especially bad –
Pertussis or whooping cough
Mainly makes mothers sad
But far from an infant
I, prime youth resplendent
Would only have died in an unlikely instant.
They gave me medicines,
One to ease and one to cure
I recognized the names and I was pleased a little more,
For codeine is a baby of the poppy’s sleeping milk,
And might let me be sleeping instead of feeling what I felt.
In practice however,
It lacked all this pleasure
And instead seemed to be an inappropriate measure,
I took it first by teaspoons, then cautious by gulps,
And then I guzzled in it in hopes it would achieve its result.
Things quickly got weird
Like when voices appeared
To come through my ceiling at the edge of what I could hear
At first I was skeptic because this was almost subliminal,
But they kept saying things I wanted so my mind soon grew geminal
Like one half was listening and the other was not,
Because one half believed and the other was shocked
That sentinel of Occam’s Razor so quickly was blocked,
And I didn’t wonder why I got no overt response to my knocks,
Upon the ceiling,
And by day two I was truly reeling
Because the girl above me had had a crush
But I’d not found her appealing.
Now however she seemed like just the right move
I thought perhaps that face was all that I stood to lose.
This day was the end of exams and so I cracked a bottle,
Felt like relaxing and staying at low throttle
Listening to her lusty talk to her friend though, made that topple
And I wondered if some wine might get me lucky at the lotto
I went up three times that day alone
And she was there, but wasn’t much trying to bone
Then again, I wasn’t trying to have the game blown
So I finally drank my wine alone
Thinks went on and the next day brought reality testing
And the tests were borne out,
Still the action was stressing
Because really how shy could she be?
With the year over, she had nothing to lose by courting me
And so sporting me was getting tired at the game,
More agitated by the hour as my mind became enflamed
The more codeine I drank the more I thought the same
And finally I felt that nothing need ever be explained.
By the end I was shouting at the ceiling in full ardor
Because I feel that the truth is needed for good barter
And plus she was gonna wear a garter
And wanted to play rough
So I decided that we’d beat around the bush more than enough.
My last attempts were meant mostly to make me feel right
I had my friend come up with me so I could use his own sight
And I knocked on the door and finally looked in,
While he shook his head and confirmed
‘Dog, thas not them’
For some reason I didn’t go back to her own room
Which bothered me later because I still heard the sirens’ croon
She could have been up there and refused to come out
Even when I’d opened the door and shouted with my mouth
So I chose to bury my doubt at about one a.m.
And I dialed her number with hope we were done play-ing
I expected her to answer and to hear it in echo
But when another woman picked up my eyes rolled like a gecko,
She said my quandary was sleep, and I said wake her up
Because crazy or not I’d about had enough
But fuck – I didn’t hear anything from above
And she answered, voice sounding tired and drugged
I stammered out an excuse, I’d call back with love
And then sat down on my bed and slowly sank to the rug.
Now days have passed and I’m still not quite sure
But since the building is far away I’ve got a temporary cure
I’m told the codeine will live my system at its leisure
And there’s no timeline for me to be freed of psychotic features
But jeepers! And you know I’d never say something like that
Its just I can’t help but thinking it’ll be the same when I get back
That I might even be right somehow, in some sort of way
Because some amount of truth was there anyway.
I called them down once, she came holding a chair
And she is shy as hell and would have a time laying love bare
And I can’t forget some of the info that I heard was later true,
I can’t even help myself from wanting to convince you.
I’m going back tonight and I’m worried I can’t cope
I’m worried that this is real
And I’m worried I shouldn’t hope
I’m worried because I know I’m just braiding my own rope
Because you can’t trust what you remember when you were high on dope
Instead, I’m gonna try to bed other girls in other rooms
And hopefully graduation will just come soon
I mean the moon sometimes looks half as big as the earth
And we can’t see the illusion although we’re told it from birth
So is my worth, tied to my reaction to this drug
And does my longing for this phantom girl mean I long for love?
By my blood, if there was ever truth at all
I wouldn’t feel so bad, this wouldn’t be a fall
And plus I’d be in for a good shag
I mean my call in the wee hours was pretty hardcore
But if I felt I had a solid reason I woulda called more
So I’ll just stall for
The world to make its own move
Because the jury’s still out and the court has not ruled
Our defense has been rest’ and we’re in win or lose.
Codeine’s my codefendant and we’ve got something to prove.
Description:
A more lyric explanation of my experience than 'Desperately...'
