Intellektual Monologue

Warrior Soul

2006-07-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating.

You don't give up. You're committed and brave.

Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle.

Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog.

You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods.

You also value honesty and fairness a great deal.

You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding.

You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

California gang members to be tracked by GPS

2006-03-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

Technology News Article | Reuters.com

So here we go - nanny state! Now apparently a criminal record gives pope-a-dope the right to tag human bengs like animals. Wonderful. So furthermore,
"HOMELESS BARRED FROM WEB:
NEW RULE LIMITS LIBRARY USAGE"
So now ppl who aren't caught in the wonderful cycle of debt they call mortgage are going to e denied the information to realizse what a fucked up situation we're in - Ladies and gentlemen, sharpen your knives...

'Giant' lobster lives up to name. 08/03/2006. ABC News Online

2006-03-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

'Giant' lobster lives up to name. 08/03/2006. ABC News Online
I'm gonna eat you!

Capitalist Piglet

2006-03-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Muahahah! finally somebody showin some reason - The infamous Capitalist Piglet cartoon from the USas up in Canada. Damn right the christian right polishes Big Money's knob - with such an obvious thing, how could anybody actually be offended?

Very everything

2005-10-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

yo peep the insanity of this place http://www.wkyc.com/akron/akron_article.aspx?storyid=42694

My tire got slashed the other day. I've gotta get it replace tomorrow.

I'm also leaving my program - hell with the snooty bastards at Case.

I'm shopping for firearms - no no - completely legal and fully registered - strictly for defense. This area is racist as shit. Actually racisim is the wrong word - its complete xenophobia. Even my boy -who is white - felt that shit. Hell, my dog hates heavy weight white men, gangly white men, and old white women. Viciously. He bit said friend a dozen times in as many hours. Crazy shit. But my dog obviously had a bad time with whitey, and dealin with these fuckers, I could see that.

Old school blacks call white people 'Mr. Charlie.' Way back in the day, they used to call my grandfather the same thing. He was a bootlegger, and the way i hear it he could fuck up somebody's life as quickly as any white institutionalist. Viciousness runs in the family. I used to think it was cool, but now i wonder. Let me paint a picture. I love my dog - he's the sweetest thing in the world. We sleep together every night. I can't slip in bed with alot of the women I 'sleep with,' to give you a reference. Let's say my dog snaps and bites some white guy. Let's further say, that this white guy treats my dog like a dog, and cuffs him. No body cuffs my dog. I wouldn't even let my friend cuff my dog, and that was after the thing bit his face. Thas like, my best friend in the world. I just don't tolerate violence toward animals, and certainly not mine. So lets say they cuff my dog. Let's say im out for a walk and im more or less unarmed. Its real easy for us to say that I also beat the crap outta some bastard for daring to touch smalls. God i feel the hatred this little gated village pours on me, and honestly, i could do some serious damage to one of the faceless people who decided to poke a hole in my tire when they don't kno me beyond bein a six foot hi-yellow with dreads. Somebody could fuck around and get themselves hurt.

I need to get outta here - asap. I'm not in the right place in my life for this sorta shit. If you hate me I can hate you too. I don't wanna hate. Its all love. But for the love of god, i give as good as i get. Biggie sed it best - somebody's got to die...if i go (off) you got to go...

And guns have no place in that sorta thing ya dig?

Intellektual Monologue

2005-09-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

Description:

An email I sent to my program director this morning:

Marie –

I am struggling! I don’t know what to do. I can’t even figure out how to register for this conference – and I missed this other conference this morning. I’m late to all my classes, I can’t seem to get anything straight, and I don’t even have a TB test to go on rotations and hand in a log next week! I need help – I don’t know what I’m doin wrong and its just getting more wrong by the day. People are starting to want assignments and such and I don’t even know what for when and who. I feel crushed and this place is alien and I wanna go home!

Waaaaaaaa

Mike

“For I say unto you in all sadness of conviction that to think great thoughts you must be heroes as well as idealists. Only when you have worked alone / when you have felt around you are a black gulf of solitude more isolating than that which surrounds the dying man, and in hope and despair have trusted to your own unshaken will / then only can you gain the secret isolated joy of the thinker, who knows that a hundred years after he is dead and forgotten men who have never heard of him will be moving to the measure of his thought / the subtle rapture of postponed power, which the world knows not because it has no external trappings, but which to his prophetic vision is more real than that which commands an army. And if this joy should not be yours, still it is only thus you can know that you have done what lay in you to do / can say that you have lived, and be ready for the end."

- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Locusts
-------------------------------------------

Locusts

The waves of sadness get tidal -
I swing from soon-to-be
To suicidal,
Souped up to in denial
Full-grown to child
And its wild -
Because I almost know I can do better
At night, stifling tears, reading my recommendation letters.

This is not how it's 'sposed to be!

And no one close to me
Can help me at the party that
They tried to host for me.
It's become a boast for me:
'Ya I missed that and I'm not worried'
Though the words burn my mouth like curry
I feel like a snow flurry,
Tossed upon the wind -
And as I wend
I begin to ken there's no reason then
To hurry
I’ll still be buried
When I hit the ground anyway -
Anyday
I'll hear the many say
I'm late anyways -

Shit!

I'm all outta options!
Its the wrong combo of pills that I’m popping
And I'm feeling like I’m close to stopping -
I do 60 in the school zones,
Flippin off the cops’n
I half wish they'd hit they lights
So we could get this shit hopping.
I'm locking,
Myself into all new cages,
Breaking down my supports with all new rages
Stages of remorse lined up like Broadway,
Flashes in my mind lighted up like broad day
And if one more broad say
That she'd really love to help but she can't
Whether in, business or romance
I'ma swarm like fire ants
On the chance
That I can burn action out of her stance until -
Dance bitch, dance!
Breaking of my plans -
Still further enhanced by
The shaking in my hands
Caused by lithium valanced
With so many recants

Plus Alcohol

Makes me ask myself what I can give at all-
How much before I fall?
Nothing answers the call
Baal
From faith on down
Cotton candy and fat clowns
Pick up the blade and put the gatt down
Stupid dreams lifted from childhood
All smacked down
Like an ass I cast around
Held fast and bound,
I can see what I want but the glass blocks the sounds --
Outside looking in
Future looking dim -
Neck still stiff face that won't ever brook chagrin.
I waste my breath on this circumlocus -
But I taste my death whenever I try to focus -
It’s so plain that I’m insane
Still they try to judge my pain:
A son of Cain –
Being eaten by his locusts.

First Draft of Medical School Essay

2005-08-03T00:17:00.000-07:00

Why I Would Like to Attend Medical School

In the entire span of my admittedly brief life, I have only seriously considered pursuing three different professions. In all three vocations, whether that of a psychiatrist, a bioethical litigator, or a physician-missionary, healing would necessarily take a central role. As such I have always expected to attend medical school prior to undertaking any life-long career, making my motives a rather integral part of my raison d’etre. Nonetheless, I will try to whittle this lifelong dream into its three most salient components: my desire to help people, my desire to better understand psychopathology, and my lack of alternative employment avenues given my horrible handwriting. Actually the last one is a joke, and I’m going to replace it with my most important reason, that of attempting to add whatever positive influence I can to a medical system seemingly rife with negativity.
I have been brought up to believe that the haves should always help the have-nots, whether what is had is money or merriment. This belief was imbued in me variously by my mother, a physician herself, my father, a vibrant humanist, and my grandmother, a music school teacher. My first formal education at a Friends’ school and that in all the subsequent years of my life has only confirmed these lessons. Since my gifts are largely mental and emotional, they are the logical strengths to exercise for the good of society. Not everyone can realistically attend medical school, and fewer still are willing and able to navigate the vagaries and difficulties of serving the mentally ill population of today’s world. I personally feel a duty to try and improve the lives of these people, especially those who are incarcerated or otherwise disenfranchised.
From a scholarly standpoint, I’ve always been interested in the mind and its interactions with both the rest of the body and with the world at large. Specifically, I am curious as to how physical idiosyncrasies, cultural variations, and outright pathologies affect such interplay. As such, psychiatric medicine is a career uniquely suited to my interests given its focus on this same area and its expanded breadth covering the rest of human physiology. No course of study other than medical school will more completely and specifically cater to my particular academic predilections.
Finally, it is my impression and experience that healthcare has increasingly become an ‘industry,’ more concerned with materials and their cost than mankind and his care. As a determined a-materialist with a strong empathic identification with the travails of the ill, I believe that I can bring quality healthcare to populations that are as deserving and dedicated as any others, but for whatever reason are shortchanged. If I can make a meaningful difference in the lives of those who otherwise would have to suffer, I can happily discharge my calling with assiduousness in lieu of affluence.
As aforementioned, my dedication to the plight of the mentally ill is fueled by an excellent upbringing that stressed helping the least fortunate as the most noble of pursuits. Additionally however, even the most philanthropic of innate motivations is shepherded by the crook of life experience. In my life, that crook was wrought from my own struggles with mental disorder. Since 7th grade I have suffered from refractory major depression, and in 2001 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have been treated with reasonable success ever since. As with any experiment, mine has had periods of varying difficulty and disability. A life of mania and mood-swings is hardly conducive to doing much of anything besides getting into trouble. It would be impossibly convenient to blame the totality of any sub-par semesters, slips before finish-lines, and substandard decisions that make my file less attractive than it otherwise could be. Conversely, I am reasonably convinced that some of my more memorable failures can be reasonably attributed to my illness. Regardless of how my illness factored into my education, it will undoubtedly factor into the rest of my life as a powerful impetus.
I hope to meld my medical training with a study of the law. Eventually, I plan to employ expertise on the subjects of civil rights and public advocacy to better serve mental health patients both struggling in the world and workplace as well as those incarcerated in prison. I believe in the God-given right of all people to lead a life free of sickness and sadness. A caring and competent physician can usually alleviate the illnesses of the mind that afflict so many. However in order to give the ill a life with both opportunities and happiness, but also free of discrimination and oppression the rules that govern our society must be navigated and possibly even changed.

Dr. Grohol's Psych Central - How Do Others Perceive You? Quiz Results

2005-07-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

alt="The Natural Leader" width="200"
height="90" border="0">

OKCupid! The Best Personality Type for You Test

2005-07-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

OKCupid! The Best Personality Type for You Test: "

ISFJ - The Protector
You scored 50 I versus E, 60 N versus S, 20 F versus T, and 80 J versus P!

Your ideal romantic partner is known as the proptector. As a romantic partner, this type is generous and gentle. Occasionally they may be taken for granted because of this fact. they are tireless in providing acts of service for their loved ones. They run the risk of always being exhausted because they won't say no to their partners. They are sensitive to criticism and will withdraw rather than fight back. They wish to be appreciated for their loyalty and whole hearted nuturing. Their values must be respected and they thrive on consideration and kindness.
The group summary: Guardians (SJ)
The Type Summary: ISFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

OKCupid! The Which Byzantine Ruler Are You? Test

2005-07-17T16:19:00.000-07:00
OKCupid! The Which Byzantine Ruler Are You? Test: "

Constantine I
76% ruthlessness, 66% wisdom

You are Emperor Constantine I, The Great (ruled 306-337). Mean? Yes. Ruthless? You bet. Vain? Absolutely. Wise? Suprisingly so. You don't found an empire that lasts for 1,123 years without SOMETHING going on in your noodle. Your Empire will be pretty cool to live in, unless someone crosses you or is (God forbid!) related to you and rules some scrap of territory you want. Why your Empire will be known throughout history as 'Byzantium' instead of 'Constantinium' will remain a mystery.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

How to Be a Hero - I'm a Warrior! Muahahaha

2005-07-12T21:15:00.000-07:00
How to Be a Hero: "My Inner Hero - Warrior!

I'm courageous, straightforward, and charismatic. I'm a born leader, but I'm also not afraid to face danger on my own. Nothing stands between me and victory... nothing that lives to tell the tale, anyway. If you need someone to charge into battle for you, call on me.

How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero."

I stand Amazed

2005-07-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

" The Punching bag"
You are 78 fuckable!

Yeah, you're fuckable. Probably fucked, too. You can be so wild sometimes that you may even be, well, how should I put this nicely, easy. Wild and kinky is good, but you should lean to use it in maderation. Hold out a bit when it comes to having sex with a new person. You don't have to let it all hang out! Sure, people want you, but it's probably because they know they could have you. It's ok to play hard-to-get once and a while. In fact, it makes you even sexier!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 79% on humpers
Link: The how fuckable are you? Test written by ShizzleBitch on Ok Cupid

But am I?

2005-06-25T00:07:00.000-07:00
Sure You'll Be Fine
-------------------------------------------

Babygirl I hate to tell you that I think you done did it
Which means that maybe now you should cut and run with it
Ever since you gave me those digits
You've been steady trippin
And in the breif times you're not,
There's still something missing.
In the time that you pray
I think you coming up with ways
To degrade and abrade every nerve I ever saved
But this shit is fugaze
And since I'm not gettin paid
Its time for this relationship to whither and fade -
To Black.
Our love shack
Has fallen into disrepair
And the best we can say is
'I don't care'
And I don't dare
To claim that I'll mark this sand with lines
But right now I know I don't have the time
And I don't have the lime
For those stupid margiritas you love so much
Beause the mole can't reach for the diamond it can't touch
We both know romance sucks
So there's no need to whine
I'll be cool
And I'm sure you'll be fine.

Description
'She was simple as an animal with an animal's simple ignorance of right and wrong, dislike for being thwarted, and spitefulness when trapped.'
- Dashiell Hammet, 'The Dain Curse'

Well - if all's well that end's well, then this is good and fucked up...

Last Letters Home From Iraq by particularshard

2005-06-24T13:15:00.000-07:00
Last Letters Home From Iraq by particularshard

Wow - Just read this poem again - still hurts - why did i read it with brandy so far away? These people need toasts raised to them...

Last Letters Home From Iraq
-------------------------------------------
'Sure, I've dodged lots of bullets and such, gotten little to no sleep, and eaten nasty food, but im doing great.'
-Pfc. Rachel Bosveld, U.S. Army
(Killed 10/26/03 twelve days before 20th bday)

The flowers on the windowsill of Sweetpea's room have grown withered and husky;
Much like the voice of her mother,
Staring absently at the neatly made bed that her daughter once nestled in.
She always told me 'don't worry so much about me!'
Her company hadn't lost a single life in Iraq before her - how could we not?
They're sending home her Purple Heart -
A perverse birthday present.
At least she still smiles in the pictures...
God I pray she's still smiling.

'I see more courage in a day here than I could ever hae imagined before this...I am really nervous and just pray that i am up to the task out here to lead 120 men in combat operations...I pray with all my heart, that I will be able to take every single one of them home safe when we finish our mission here.'
-Cpt. Joshua T. Byers, U.S. Army
(Killed outside Baghdad by a 'road bomb')

He looked resplendant graduating from the Acadamy that day.
Really they all did, as though the bristling perfection of Westpoint had polished them to a high sheen.
He spent his whole life trying to find the best way to serve God,
And eventually he found that to be service to his country.
When he became Cavalry Troop Commander shortly before his death,
He thought of it only as his best oppurtunity to discharge service yet -
In fact he discharged the Ultimate Service,
And paid the Ultimate Sacrifice,
To protect the ones he loved.
Hopefully it will not be taken lightly

'In the beginning there was a lot of blood shed, but now it's all over...The good news is I will be home to see you in september or october the latest'
- Spc. Raheen Heighter, U.S. Army
(Killed when insurgents attacked his convoy)

A year has passed,
And Raheen has still not come home.
His mother sits in her livingroom,
Staring off at something nobody else can see.
She prepared her son for Iraq.
Raheen felt Iraq prepared him for life.
Nobody prepared her for this.

'People are always trying to give us gifts...to say thank you for getting rid of Saddam. I know we cannot entirely change this hel hole, but maybe being here will make things a little better...I am proud to defend my country, but i don't want to be defending it constantly for the next 10 -15 years...I want to have something resemebling a home/personal life...'
-Cpt. Pierre Piche', U.S. Army
(Killed when his chopper collided with another over Mosul)

pierre was a maintenance officer.
pierre liked to drink straight maple syrup.
pierre thought he was safe in his desk job.
pierre liked being able to help people, but he didn't feel the need to be a hero, just a simple vermonter.
pierre had a beautiful wife named cherish, and they joked about him getting a purple heart for carpal tunnel syndrome.
pierre and cherish were only half-right.

'In the past week I have seen my first dead body...It's a very dangerous job, I never imagined they would be having us do this kind of work.'
- Spc. Michelle Witmer, U.S. Army
(Fatally wounded when her convoy was ambushed)

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Horror in practice is always more horrible than horror in one's head.
Shelly just wanted to be a combat lifesaver.
She worked a police station in a bad part of Baghdad.
She and her twin sister Charity, as well as her sister Rachel enlisted and went to Iraq to help people.
They didn't know what a hard place it would be to be women...
They didn't know what a hard place it would be to stay alive.
The rest of the family sits sadly at their table in New Berlin Wisconsin.
The family, having shrunk to 6 people,
Somehow doesn't seem to be able to stretch quite all the way around the table.
Their haggard eyes look hollowly at half finished bottles of wine.
Eat, drink and what?
Well tomorrow we die anyway.

'I searched all my life for a dream and I found it in you...I am so sorry...You will never know how complete you have made me...Dakota you are more son than I could ever ask for...I will always be there in our park when you dream so we can still play...I hope someday you will understand why I didn't come home...I will always be there with you. Ill be in the sun, shadows, dreams, and joys of your life...Bean, I never got to see you but I know in my heart you are beautiful. I know you will be strong and big hearted just like your mom and brother...I have never been so blessed as I was the day I met [you]...my Angel, soulmate, wife, lover, and best friend. I am so sorry. I did not want to have to write this letter. There is so much more I need to say, so much more I need to share. A lifetimes worth. I married you for a million lifetimes. That's houw long I will be with you. Do me one favor. After you tuck Toad and Bean in, give them hugs and kisses from me. Go outside, look at the stars and count them. Don't forget to smile'
-Pfc. Jesse Givens, U.S. Army
(Killed when a berm collapsed under his tank as he crossed the Euphrates - where he drowned)

There is nothing more I can say.

Humanism...

2005-06-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Handholder

You go out of your way to build bridges with people of different views and beliefs and have quite a few religious friends. You believe in the essential goodness of people , which means you’re always looking for common ground even if that entails compromises. You would defend Salman Rushdie’s right to criticise Islam but you’re sorry he attacked it so viciously, just as you feel uncomfortable with some of the more outspoken and unkind views of religion in the pages of this magazine.

You prefer the inclusive approach of writers like Zadie Smith or the radical Christian values of Edward Said. Don’t fall into the same trap as super–naïve Lib Dem MP Jenny Tonge who declared it was okay for clerics like Yusuf al–Qaradawi to justify their monstrous prejudices as a legitimate interpretation of the Koran: a perfect example of how the will to understand can mean the sacrifice of fundamental principles. Sometimes, you just have to hold out for what you know is right even if it hurts someone’s feelings.

What kind of humanist are you? Click here to find out.

Seems a tad biased in the advice section....

Rap News Network - Hip-Hop Cultures Newest Threat

2005-06-09T14:25:00.000-07:00
Rap News Network - Hip-Hop Cultures Newest Threat

This is bullshit - turning everybody into a criminal. Welcome to the police state people. The incentive for being a law abiding citizen is disappearing at a frightening clip. I'm trying to go to school, to become a lawyer and a doctor and a bioethicist, but its almost like they want me to wild out. Like they want me to snap and start stirring up trouble. Like they tryin to pull my trigger....

Web Sites Celebrate a Deadly Thinness - New York Times

2005-06-07T12:23:00.000-07:00
Web Sites Celebrate a Deadly Thinness - New York Times

Quod me nutrit, me destruit

So These ppl are sayin that eating disorders are a lifestyle choice. I can agree in so far as they are a lifestyle, but not necessarily a choice. After all, I live crazy-fab; how am I gonna hate. Difference is, i've reached a stable place in my insanity. All I know of eating disorders suggests an utter lack of control. On the other hand, i'm hesitant to say its just an extreme denial - ykno to the point of defiance. Ah well, I think the thing to do is to keep an eye out - seems like an interesting movement. Assuming that all its activists don't die of nutriional deficiencies. Also assuming they don't want me 2 look like that. pfffft.

Soggy Breakfast Cereal

2005-06-04T01:16:00.000-07:00
The thing that most makes me sad is seeing goodness in Man,
Because seeing that some are good means that others can't understand
Which means that I can't demand, everybody
Be peaceful
Since we aren't all equal,
We're all different people -
Which makes me burn like kerosene sprinkled over hot diesel
Mixed with composition four
Because I always wish that more could reach the shores of paradise
Could somehow be innocent twice
But the poor souls are scared of light,
And the sun shines Oh so bright
But its like a personal slight
Because instead they stay in the ocean
Perturbing my purgatorial motion
And i'm the Orca of the Souls -
Miss a meal?
Perish the notion
I cherish emotion
I've ardent desire to crush the weak
It's sink or swim,
And God only breathes life into the meek
So I walk among the sheep
A wolf in nondescript clothing,
I will catch you in the rye
Like Caulfield-comma-Holden
And leave you Mafia-style
Intact with everything you're holding
Because I'd rather justly take a life than be the creep who rolled him.
This is not material,
I struggle to touch the ethereal
A miracle in a world filled with flakes soft like soggy breakfast cereal.

Description:
I miss the 90's - I'm watchin Mallrats and I'm missin the 90's - God the more adult i get the more responsibility I take on - I miss the fuckin 90's.

Drew Curtis' FARK.com

2005-06-03T12:38:00.000-07:00
Drew Curtis' FARK.com

Muhahahha

My favorite website, and even better, my launchcast station!!
http://launch.yahoo.com/lc/?rt=0&rp1=0&rp2=1522157699

They run both the prisons and the schools....

2005-05-31T19:40:00.000-07:00
As I, bring it to ya one more time
From a state where we stole weight, and dough mind dine
And we don't tote six-shooters, we tote glock nines
And we don't smoke a peace pipe, we smoke fat dimes
It's a place where it's a common site to see the 5-0
Hit the other side of sixteen and getcha mind blown
Fo sho', it's a different vibe from being downtown
then when ya come into the ghetto and ya can't come back out
I seen the ghetto shut down, seen niggaz shot up
Seen niggaz get knocked the fuck out and never got up
The neighborhood paralyzed, crack drive-bys
It's evident we hurt, you ignored our cry
On the outside the ghetto just another mindstate
And import more minorities to help the crime rate
I ain't lookin for a job, fuck workin the part-time
when we could come up on some dough, with good combs and slang dimes
I see this all the Goddamn time - it's fucked up and it's the truth
Nevermind the shooter on the roof
It's a war goin on right here, where we at
I can't complain about what I can't change, so why dap?
Dropped outta high school in tenth grade so I rapped
But still, can't seem to get this monkey off my back
Fuck it, I pulled a few moves and ride for the streets
And when I start to feel like this, don't fuck with me!
- Scarface, 'And Yo'

Codeine my Co-Dee

2005-05-23T18:27:00.000-07:00
Once upon a time, years ago
I lost my mind
Now years later,
I think I know why –
I was smoking too much
And drinking too much
Lashing my anger out at strangers
And then thinking too much
But also linking to dust
As I saw deeper than I’d ever prepared for
Surrounded myself with books and forgot what they were there for
Abandoned who I cared for
And rode with the set.
I did several things I wish I could forget
But I,
Never expect to because I haven’t yet
Eventually I had no choice but to see my fallacy
And almost felt good to have a diagnosed malady
Because I could be treated,
And I could live happily
Take my pills or get ill
Like Mickey and Mallory.

Years pass just like this
I go to class just like this
And like a lass I never kissed
My craziness was never missed
And like mist,
The fog of war began to clear
As my graduation date slowly but surely began to near.
Maybe just to add a little challenge to the game,
Or maybe just because God has some malice toward the name
I grew horribly sick,
And had no one else to blame
I let it fester in my chest as I tried to ignore the pain, drained
Essentially, eventually I asked what comfort meant to me
And it mattered more than having my diploma sent to me
So I went to the physicians
Priests of my religion,
And told them of my weakness as though it was a priapism –
I’d kept it to myself
Although each breath felt
Like it might make more sense to trade death to health
But I’m proud and my existence is my one true wealth
So I was loathe to discuss sickness with those
Other than myself.
They said what I had
Was not especially bad –
Pertussis or whooping cough
Mainly makes mothers sad
But far from an infant
I, prime youth resplendent
Would only have died in an unlikely instant.
They gave me medicines,
One to ease and one to cure
I recognized the names and I was pleased a little more,
For codeine is a baby of the poppy’s sleeping milk,
And might let me be sleeping instead of feeling what I felt.
In practice however,
It lacked all this pleasure
And instead seemed to be an inappropriate measure,
I took it first by teaspoons, then cautious by gulps,
And then I guzzled in it in hopes it would achieve its result.

Things quickly got weird
Like when voices appeared
To come through my ceiling at the edge of what I could hear
At first I was skeptic because this was almost subliminal,
But they kept saying things I wanted so my mind soon grew geminal
Like one half was listening and the other was not,
Because one half believed and the other was shocked
That sentinel of Occam’s Razor so quickly was blocked,
And I didn’t wonder why I got no overt response to my knocks,
Upon the ceiling,
And by day two I was truly reeling
Because the girl above me had had a crush
But I’d not found her appealing.
Now however she seemed like just the right move
I thought perhaps that face was all that I stood to lose.
This day was the end of exams and so I cracked a bottle,
Felt like relaxing and staying at low throttle
Listening to her lusty talk to her friend though, made that topple
And I wondered if some wine might get me lucky at the lotto
I went up three times that day alone
And she was there, but wasn’t much trying to bone
Then again, I wasn’t trying to have the game blown
So I finally drank my wine alone
Thinks went on and the next day brought reality testing
And the tests were borne out,
Still the action was stressing
Because really how shy could she be?
With the year over, she had nothing to lose by courting me
And so sporting me was getting tired at the game,
More agitated by the hour as my mind became enflamed
The more codeine I drank the more I thought the same
And finally I felt that nothing need ever be explained.
By the end I was shouting at the ceiling in full ardor
Because I feel that the truth is needed for good barter
And plus she was gonna wear a garter
And wanted to play rough
So I decided that we’d beat around the bush more than enough.
My last attempts were meant mostly to make me feel right
I had my friend come up with me so I could use his own sight
And I knocked on the door and finally looked in,
While he shook his head and confirmed
‘Dog, thas not them’
For some reason I didn’t go back to her own room
Which bothered me later because I still heard the sirens’ croon
She could have been up there and refused to come out
Even when I’d opened the door and shouted with my mouth
So I chose to bury my doubt at about one a.m.
And I dialed her number with hope we were done play-ing
I expected her to answer and to hear it in echo
But when another woman picked up my eyes rolled like a gecko,
She said my quandary was sleep, and I said wake her up
Because crazy or not I’d about had enough
But fuck – I didn’t hear anything from above
And she answered, voice sounding tired and drugged
I stammered out an excuse, I’d call back with love
And then sat down on my bed and slowly sank to the rug.

Now days have passed and I’m still not quite sure
But since the building is far away I’ve got a temporary cure
I’m told the codeine will live my system at its leisure
And there’s no timeline for me to be freed of psychotic features
But jeepers! And you know I’d never say something like that
Its just I can’t help but thinking it’ll be the same when I get back
That I might even be right somehow, in some sort of way
Because some amount of truth was there anyway.
I called them down once, she came holding a chair
And she is shy as hell and would have a time laying love bare
And I can’t forget some of the info that I heard was later true,
I can’t even help myself from wanting to convince you.
I’m going back tonight and I’m worried I can’t cope
I’m worried that this is real
And I’m worried I shouldn’t hope
I’m worried because I know I’m just braiding my own rope
Because you can’t trust what you remember when you were high on dope
Instead, I’m gonna try to bed other girls in other rooms
And hopefully graduation will just come soon
I mean the moon sometimes looks half as big as the earth
And we can’t see the illusion although we’re told it from birth
So is my worth, tied to my reaction to this drug
And does my longing for this phantom girl mean I long for love?
By my blood, if there was ever truth at all
I wouldn’t feel so bad, this wouldn’t be a fall
And plus I’d be in for a good shag
I mean my call in the wee hours was pretty hardcore
But if I felt I had a solid reason I woulda called more
So I’ll just stall for
The world to make its own move
Because the jury’s still out and the court has not ruled
Our defense has been rest’ and we’re in win or lose.
Codeine’s my codefendant and we’ve got something to prove.

Description:

A more lyric explanation of my experience than 'Desperately...'

Codeine is no fun at all...

2005-05-19T14:29:00.000-07:00
Desperately Seeking Sanity

It’s like looking around for someone who isn’t you
It seems easy at first but if only you knew
If only you could see
How hard it is to be
Completely in touch with our frail reality
Things that make sense
And things that don’t quite
All conspire against you just out of your sight
And its alright in theory
That I can’t hear clearly
Some sounds that originate nearer than near me
Like not behind the plaster
But the mind behind the master
Tormenting me who meant to be
The one who thought faster.
So now my ears betray me,
The codeine got me thinking all these girls wanna lay me
That the world’s gone crazy
And its not me
My brain don’t have no sense but its got me
He was crazy in his cage until he got free.

Description:
-I got whooping cough to close out the year. It hurt.
-I got codeine and zithromax to close out the pertussis (another name for it). It gave hope.
-I took 10 days worth of codeine in about two days. It made me sick.
-Nobody bothered to check on the interactions between my extensive list of medications and opiate based cough medicine. I went crazy

Over Now

2005-05-17T05:21:00.000-07:00
Over Now

lyrics by Jerry Cantrell
music by Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney

Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without

You know it's been on my mind
Could you stand right here
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime

Well it's over now
Yet I can see somehow
When it's all gone wrong
It's hard to be so strong

We pay our debt sometime

Guess it's over now
I seem alive somehow
When it's out of sight
Just wait and do your time

You know it's been on my mind

Could I stand right here
Look myself in the eye, and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime

Couldn't have said it better myself....

Good to be goin

2005-05-16T19:22:00.000-07:00
End of the Road (I'm Leaving)

So now I near the end of the road
And friends of my soul
Are soundin like boyz 2 men,
They can't let go
But I can’t let gold
Glitter from far
And treat it like stars
When you know what you want that means you know what you are
And you know that you mar
The landscape like a crater
Surrounded by fake threats, real dangers and weak haters
Not to mention the friends that could be realer, or faker
WTF I feel like Kobe Bryant stuck on the Lakers
People want what I am but they don’t want me
So as I puff on my green they huff green with envy
Maybe they should slip into these sandals for a minute and then see
Why being friendly and empty has a good chance to incense me
And tempt me to drop their top like a convertible Bentley
Around here when they talk about the psycho they meant me
And nobody asks about any sharp object that they lent me
I mean, all I really want to do is help earth and the humanity
But I don’t need to know every bird under the canopy
Just like every fuckin nerd who comes up to me with vanity
About their GPA pushes me towards insanity
This aint what I planned to be
But the plans were just guidelines
And because I find it hard to color shit I drew wide lines
So now from the sidelines
Hecklers dissing my game?
Fine, keep talking but remember the name
In fact, keep walking or you’ll remember the flame
That I pushed your face into because you pulled at my frame
I saw before I came
That most people don’t get me
And they hate what they don’t understand,
Then try to hit
And they shocked when they get rocked or I pull out the glock
Or just break open they heads with my gym locker lock
Because its always the same situation
I’m patient but I know that most people are better at hating
While they thinking of attacking I’m just sitting there waiting
And waking each day to watch the time slip away
Hasn’t made me any less likely to be stressed in the day
So I’ll play in the tourney, at the end of my journey
Just the same – because I’ll never hear people mourn me
Just scorn me at the end of the road as the beginning
At this point its cherubs singing
Tuned to church bells ringing,
Ya’ll can stay in your hell but remember:
I’m Leaving.

Long Battery

2005-05-15T23:28:00.000-07:00
http://www.sciencedaily.com/upi/index.php?feed=Science&article=UPI-1-20050514-19445800-bc-us-battery.xml

A ten year battery? And they say science doesn't like women.

Sex, Sinatra and the women who fell for him - Books - Times Online

2005-05-10T11:18:00.000-07:00
Sex, Sinatra and the women who fell for him
- Books - Times Online

ykno - i see why some have called me a womanizer.- I identify with this blue eyes on alot of levels - only difference is that I have too high a degree of paranoia to take large numbers of random women into my bedroom.

Still, there's something intensely romantic about drinking oneself to death in search of the perfect Queen or someone like her, all the while conquering the world just for something to do. Seriously, doesn't everybody fantasize about someday remeeting their first love and doing things right? 'Course, thas the reason to cut off all contact...i wonder if the book gets that? I mean what dreamer a)doesn't believe they can come true and b)really wants them to?

Pass it around....

2005-04-30T12:03:00.000-07:00
Take One Down

Always a sad event for a bottle to be done
But more for it, because it can no more join in on the fun
And instead it gets disposed of, its history closed up, only gets
Remembered when somebody throws up
Well the same shit goes
For that certain kinda ho
From whom everyone wants something and she doesn’t know
Maybe you tell her to slow or you disregard her hole
Which makes you wonder why you’re carrying her at all on the whole
Because she’s pretty on the outside
But that’s not what its all about right?
And her future viability in itself is in doubt, sight
Can’t see the future
But the past is twenty-twenty
Its not real what you have if
You don’t get what you’re wanting
So let’s eschew you fronting and instead let’s
Get to running red-line with that mind that forever stay’s stunning
I
Don’t need nobody and never will again
Since long before I kicked my fiancé out
To the crib of my best friend –
As soon as things begin
I’m watching for the end
Where I cauterize the connection away
Is it a sin?
To say what I say,
Maybe pushing people away
Having fun how I may
Staunch refusal to play the games people play
99 mothafuckin beers on the wall
So I’ll drop 99 half-hearted tears for you all
And it’d take 99 stamps to try and mail my balls
So Instead, I’ll just yell out ‘Fuck all ya’ll’

Justified?

2005-04-27T13:52:00.000-07:00
Power And Responsiblity

'With great power comes great responsibility...'

Ya I got the quote from a comic book
But when people forget this it makes me vomit, look!

http://www.10news.com/education/4409506/detail.html

Its excessive force just having the cops there
And I don't care what she did in the class,
That shit is not fair
And man, how could you not care
What if that was your daughter?
If mine, it'd be like Amityville Horror
Because I give no safe harbor for those
Without compassion, in fact it makes me
Feel better when they catch a good thrashing
Like - I was a wild child but they never called the
fuzz
And they never did for most of us but still I hear
The buzz
That somehow this is right because the kids
Are much worse -
What? Its a new species cuz they smoke weed and curse?
I'll give you chapter and verse on how to
Discipline your young
Perfectly, and you'll never have to be whippin on your young
Hurtin see - leaves bruises and sullen anger
Often society loses and we get us another banger
Robbin cars with coat hangers
Because the cops'll jack em anyway -
Ya they prolly weren't raised right but I'd love to hear any say
That they kids are so much better in their
Abercrombie sweaters that they shouldn't
Have to put up with people who kno no better.
Fuck that - me teachers and my parents had
Patience
And because of that some day soon I'll be seein
Patients
So I sit drinkin libations just to calm the storm
That I get from in my heart knowning this shit's
The norm
And I lose all sympathy for both cops and teachers
When they hurt and don't help,
I thought they were supposed to reach us?
But no, they wanna bleach us:
You do exactly as they say,
Or the national guard'll come down on south park
and arrest yo ass mmmkay?
No, how bout an AK?
Its the chopper of flippin whoppers for some of
These kids today
Why I gotta remind people of their own Christian morals
And then have em not listen - God my blood boils!
And the threat of revenge coils round my heart and a part of me wants to feel the recoil
Of the snub .45 as I end a fuckers life
For bein so goddam sure that they mothafuckin
Right
Countin bodies like sheep
As I sleep, it calms me down
Lead pipe to the forehead, skull splinters at the crown
And I'm not the type to spray around
But I do sometimes hold grudges -
Find that man dead at his desk doin his budget
And I love it!
Which is why it can't be my way
If its Power, I take Responsibility to guide my way
So back to the cops in Florida
Ignorin the basic instinct
To protect little kids,
An urge deeper than when you think
They've left engrained in my mind,
Life my mind's eye blind
That little black girl and her face still shine
With the tears people cry when they can't
Understand
What the fuck they ever did to deserve this from
This man
And I learned this from this man
That if you abuse someone in their youth
They'll be somewhere years later feelin they have to prove they'll shoot
And that cycle continues until this place is like fuckin Beirut
With tanks rollin through the streets and snipers
Standin on the roof -
And normally I'd be scared
But that was back when I cared
And now its just eye for an eye, because I gotta be fair.
They got power and can't bother to take the time to be responsible,
That's cool,
We'll crush the power with them grenades that
Are launchable
And they think its just a game, that much is demonstrable
Still they wonder why its murder on the mothafuckin constable?
What the fuck?

Description:
Watch the video. I'm disgusted with this world lately.
http://www.10news.com/education/4409506/detail.html

‘Mr. President, there's drugs in our residenceTell me what you want me to do, come break bread with usMr. Governor, I swear there's a cover upEvery other corner there's a liquor store - fuck is up?’
- Jay-Z, ‘Justify My Thug’

Easy Jesus = E&J Brandy

2005-04-26T16:02:00.000-07:00
Easy Jesus

Our new religion comes to us in shots of Easy Jesus
And still the preacherman wonders why it’s so hard to teach us
We’ve run too far for him to reach us
And we’re not coming home
Even running as a pack we’re all alone
Linked by a common desperation and cellular phones
We keep smoke in the respiration because our cells should have known
There’d be no guarantee to see the next year we would have grown
In a world where hearts get crushed, and heads get blown
So no night is complete without drinking yourself to sleep
Because the only sadness you have is the sadness you keep
And to us it’s real deep –
You see our world is so shallow,
We muddle through the puddles in bottles of cheap Gallo
Understand it’s not sad though,
Or if it is we’ve forgotten
We’ve become unable to think outside the box we’ve been locked in
And the beer goggles that we’ve gotten
Makes it hard to see,
But people telling us who we are makes it hard to breathe
Like the cards were all free,
And then they said we’d have to gamble,
But we never would have run up in some shit so hard handle
With not so much as a candle
To help us see in the dark –
Not knowing where to eat or sleep like bums in the park
So most of us move with the sharp
At least to tame the beast,
Because there’s so many ways that you can end up at the feast
At the head of the table, or in one of the chairs
Or as what they gonna eat because nobody cares
Feel that sort of magic in the air
Like we gonna act the same whether its happy or tragic there
And we’re all addicts here –
Of something or other
My boy got over his last drug of choice and he’s looking for another
My last girlfriend had held a knife to her own mother
And me? Well I beat holms half to death with his Louisville Slugger
So ya, we only come out under cover of night
And ya, we got shifting views of wrong and right
But when the light hurts your eyes
And everybody’s a bad guy
You tell Me how else to keep my shit tight

Except to take
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Of Easy Jesus, please forgive us for our sins
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
We need a clean slate to do it all over again.

In the final estimation,
Nothing really matters
Because the sea swallows the Nations
And the resolve of men shatter
The species is just another batter in this
Baseball game of life
And its 0-2 for us because we refuse to do it right
So death comes in the night and fucks up peoples days
Unless they walk to sweet oblivion nobody’s getting saved
So line up the shots and twist something to burn
Because you know it’ll be a funny show before these stupid fuckers learn
From Putin to Bush, and the drugs that they push
Same mind as the old-times that enslaved the people of Kush
The whole world’s against us, son
And they thought we were apprised
Since we kept saying we had open hearts and, open eyes
For myself, there’s so little that I can even try to plan
Except I want to feel pleasure and I don’t wanna die in the can
And I’ve taken many measures, indeed the measure of man
The only thing it adds up to is that I’ll never understand
So if I kill brain cells, just as well. What were they for?
And by the time I get old, I can probably get some more
So I should probably just ignore this dizzy buzzing sensation
Hit the ground without a sound or even a thought of ever waking
This is my 15-minute vacation
And I’m still unemployed
I take more pills than most rock stars and I’m paranoid
They don’t dare avoid me
And probably also shouldn’t approach –
I’m at peace with Easus Jesus and working on this roach
On the hopes, from when someone told me drugs would stop the pain
But it’s a lie – like saying your umbrella stopped the rain
But to an extent it stops my brain like pulling the plug on the Matrix
And there’s no pretext I’m sane so I just love for them to hate this
Because the clown said we’d be weightless but instead we’re merely faceless
Until we’re seen in mugshots cuz we all catching cases
So my heart is heavy
And I’m about to light this jack
But both hands are plugging the levy
And I gotta light the match
And when it bursts I’ll hurt your Chevy like I just brought it to life
Taught it about joy and pain and then pulled out the knife
Because I been about my rights although they say I’m still wrong
I say I’ll fight for it but they always try and say I’m not strong.
Well with the liquid courage flowing and this smoke from my bong
Expect me to go ape shit like a squatting King Kong
Please – Lord forgive me although I know what I do –
They cut me and I bled but they forgot that they bleed too!
I don’t say my insanity is at all in the name of you
Although in their constant vanity they’ve made all the lies true
So I’ll turn my cheek to who?
Nah, I’ll just have another beer
And wet my throat and let em know that there’s more than brandy here

So I take
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Of Easy Jesus, please forgive me for my sins
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Shot
Please don't leave me Eazy Jesus cuz I swear ur my only friend.

Description
“For I say unto you in all sadness of conviction that to think great thoughts you must be heroes as well as idealists. Only when you have worked alone / when you have felt around you are a black gulf of solitude more isolating than that which surrounds the dying man, and in hope and despair have trusted to your own unshaken will / then only can you gain the secret isolated joy of the thinker, who knows that a hundred years after he is dead and forgotten men who have never heard of him will be moving to the measure of his thought / the subtle rapture of postponed power, which the world knows not because it has no external trappings, but which to his prophetic vision is more real than that which commands an army. And if this joy should not be yours, still it is only thus you can know that you have done what lay in you to do / can say that you have lived, and be ready for the end."

And Still I Burn....

2005-04-25T18:39:00.000-07:00
"People make jokes, cuz they don't understand me
They just don't see my real side

I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive "
- Eminem, 'Haillie's Song'

Goddammit!
I walk around on fire all the time - all the time mind you; A Burning Man.
People get close, and then wonder why they burn?
Time's like this, I wish I could cry,
But the tears fall in the flames and evaporate to nothing...
And still I burn.

Cold Brains

2005-04-22T17:36:00.000-07:00
I shit where I eat because
Pits like the meat
And I can’t always be bothered to
Get where its neat
And I get hit with the beat
Leaving a sonic concussion
My only therapy is to drink like I’m Russian,
To wink like I’m blushing
And its all a joke.
She said she had fire but
It all was smoke
From wood gasoline soaked
Even the lie
When it died was already broke
And I’d already choked
On my regurgitated fears
So she jumped on the bandwagon when
She heard I’d waited years
The fated tears
Were extant from the inception
Another bad memory to add to the collection
And I pad in the direction
Of what seems to be right
Like a child in pajamas,
Headed toward the light
I said it so the fight
Could begin amidst justice
And you wouldn’t let me kiss but you still let me touch it
Still let me fuck it
But like a job
Afterwards you act like you’d been raped or robbed
And I’m shod
In some tough skin from toes unto forehead
And it will only get tougher from now till I’m more dead
So how shall I ignore red
Lights shining warnings
Like we don’t have shit to talk about come the morning
Like we both see the storm on the horizon as its forming
And storming is something that we both should avoid
Because god knows that we both are quite paranoid
And there’s the void –
Always threatening souls
Just like ours that for some reason came made with holes
And for the same reason, my brain remains cold.

Nothing's right, but damned if I surrender - ever.

2005-04-20T16:31:00.000-07:00
Some Other Day

The air abrades my skin,
As though the shards of my shattered dreams have replaced the customary molecules and particles.
My throat feels old and parched, but still I rattle off my prayers –
I’ve prayed so long and so hard that I know no one’s listening.
I glance over my shoulder at my only true companion.
Robed and hooded, it looks at me,
A gaze devoid of compassion and humanity that
Nonetheless looks like every mortal vision.
I give but a courteous nod, for
We’ve but a passing relationship,
Me stumbling along and he patiently stalking.
Looking straight ahead I call back,
‘I’ve so much farther still to go, must you haunt me
Like a courtier to my own shadow?’
As usual there’s no reply except the soft shuffle of his even gait.
Smug Bastard – we both know that someday, sometime, I’ll have to rest
And I’ll be his.
But that’s some other day. Some other time.

Life 2 Live

2005-04-12T04:45:00.000-07:00
Life 2 Live
What life could I live
With a wife and some kids
With a white picket fence and a future I did
Before me behind me
Tomorrow to remind me
How I gave up on the Dreams and let the cowardice blind me
Creeping like ivy
But my neck stays stiff
How I gonna ask for more if I squander the first gift
Instead of reaching sky sit and ponder my dick
I’m not staring at the prison I’m demolishing it
Because college is shit
And the world is straight ass
Got me rushing to get my own personal nowhere fast
But my flow is tear gas
Laced up with napalm
And the drugs love me like I been dating marijaun’
So I read in the psalms trying to get some direction
Instead of just chasing my raging erection
But how can I turn cheeks when they need to burn,
Weak, actors seek the masters and then when its they turn speak
Me, I’m a born freak
I never fit in
And the ones who couldn’t handle it were never my friends
So I got leather for skin
Loosened screws in my head
Laced up my kicks and started living for dead
Why would I stop now?
Or listen to cops now?
Why wouldn’t I like to make you drop right now?
And you lookin at me hard like we could box, like how?
I’m so nice with the knuckles I give frequent flyer miles
So who wants to get lifted?
Just fuck with the Gifted –
If I don’t leave you dead afterwards you’ll have wished it
Missed it
Found my ass and gingerly kissed it
Its like these people don’t hear me as though I fucking lisped it
But I’m howling at moons
Collecting my goons
And people have trouble reading like I’m written in runes
So how many noons
Do I get to keep breathing
Its never enough so fuck this I’m leaving.

Description:
Just a flow - its breakfast time. =)

OKCupid! The Feminism Test

2005-04-12T04:36:00.000-07:00
OKCupid! The Feminism Test

Liberal Extremist
You scored 33% Gender-Abolitionist, 100% Sexually Liberal, and 60 % Socialist
You are the liberal extremist. You possess typical views of the Liberal feminist in that you are pro-choice, sexually liberated, and generally leftist, but you are a lot more extreme. You may believe that sexual repression mirrors the oppression of women or that traditional sexual morality often hinders women's freedom. You also believe that our governmental structures need to be radically reshaped to reflect a socialist or communist ideology in order to best relieve the oppression of women. For you, the oppression of women is directly caused by a class society's oppression of its lower classes. Subtle legislation or individual changes would not be enough to grant women true freedom from the patriarchy. Instead, the government needs to rid itself of class inequalities. Another way to describe your stance is to say you are a Marxist Feminist. Sexual liberation and radical politics best describe your stance.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 7% on Gender

You scored higher than 54% on Sexuality

You scored higher than 81% on Class

As The Stranger Sings

2005-04-09T02:00:00.000-07:00
As The Stranger Sings (Rap)

They made me put my rag in my pocket -
(now what's that?)
They see the type that’s gonna pop it -
(and bust caps)
I'm the type to fuck the club up
Same type that'll order all the bub up
Make a move to prove and order all the thugs up
Hit the spot blacked out like I'm Michael Jackson
Got the whole room wonderin 'What's my next action?'
And what's the repp'ed faction
Cuz my eyes is shifty like quicksand
And my hand hugs my waist like I got quick hands
Shit man,
I give the girls the cold shoulder
Niggas peep the slow roller
And give the Young God some room
Because he throws molars
Down a buster's throat like a calcium supplement
The only ones to speak to the boy, are hos and supplicants
And fuck the rent
This One is - Paid in Full
The sacrificial Calf eats the sun,
And’s made a Bull
Like you swapped out your polyester suit for some wool
This One’s been upgraded to a dude with some pull
Like Frank Sinatra, renowned for the way that I see
I’m like the opera, when I’m in town don’t nobody ever get in free
Fo Sheez
I’m down leez –
The M. L. eez,
And I was made for the soldiers like M.R.E.s
Please – don’t test me
There’s no hope to best me
I’m dressed like a Gentleman even if you see me not dressy
It get’s messy
Cuz I don’t always stop at first blood
And you think you seen it bad
Well it gets worse cuz
Hell what the hearse does
Is the same thing that I love
to do whenever I happen to catch a buzz
Take yo’ ass to your grave!
And ask Jesus to be saved
Because I stay rough like a street that ain’t ever been paved
Cats don’t watch the potholes
Until they got holes
Thinking they nine gonna protect they ass
I shot those
And they only make you safe once the rest of them is all dead
Kid you only lookin in my face because the best of them is all dead
Feel my hatred
Like Keanu Reeves I’m a Replacement
For the One’s that burn up below us, in the Basement
Better cherish your Aces
When the cards are down
Dem boys around the way have gotten harder now
And dem boys like to say they Sean Carter now, how?
I’m like ‘I got respect for him’
For those fools, I just got a Tec for them
And some heavies on my day of arraignment
For the rest of them
I tested them with eyes that said
‘I’m ready to die’
And all they irises said to me was ‘I’m already high’
‘And who wants to fly?’
I said as I flapped my Angel wings
And then left the bar quiet and silent as the Stranger sings…

OKCupid! The Alcohol Knowledge Test

2005-04-07T20:17:00.000-07:00
OKCupid! The Alcohol Knowledge Test

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 116 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (66), and liquor (86).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 29% on proof

You scored higher than 83% on beer index

You scored higher than 89% on wine index

You scored higher than 92% on liquor index
Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on OkCupid Free Online Dating

2's And 3's

2005-04-06T05:15:00.000-07:00
"Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said."
Mark Twain.

The Mystery of Two and Three

Don't worry bout the system
They gonna lock you anyway
Whether in the cell, pine box or in the minimum wage
Since the beginning of days
They been spinning the ways
To disguise from your eyes that they been skimming your pay
And intending to stay
Unjust if they must to
Touch the upper crust
And hold a crown
Like a weight forged of blood and lead
They hold you down with the hand that fed
Plus they mould you now
So you don't turn out as a loose string
Diamonds go from Africa to NY to produce bling
That you proudly wear while still claiming
That you care
And denying all facts there along with the
Naysayers
Thus you can stay players and maintain the act
Of going two steps forward, and three steps back
While still citing progress
Like politicians in Congress
Although you kno the shit blows if you wanna be honest
Or if you wanna acknowledge the Christ loved
All his Neighbors
And without doubt about later currying favor
Because that was the flavor:
How you do unto others should be the same in act and name as to yourself and your brothers
Because you never give yourself what you hope to recover
Like a Louisville Slugger
You've more uses than in the game
And reality we all just what wood produces
In the flame
So abuses are in my name
Even if I'm not the source
So I cry for my dreams that esteem supreme force
Cuz I've seen torts and injuries
Because somebody meant to be
A party to foolhardy games of Two without Three
It’s always a law of fives
Four its the same as nothing just having nine lives
Either way, cold I lay at the end when I die
So bye bye seems an appropriate greeting in this light
Because im tasteless to the spaces in this
Long Kiss Goodnight
Power is faceless like the aces
As the strong miss the fight
While in plain sight the hype disguises the fading light
While the children fly kites while they dreamin of flight
Today the burner gives might
Since the weak won't judge the aim
So justice and injustice start to look much the same
As nightMares buck the reign
Of would-be who seek immortality through a
Remembered name
In past Decembers that came cold and went out colder
I looked back at years and wondered if I really got older
Because no matter how much I grew
I still couldn't reach my dreams
So I knew I should eschew having to do with these schemes because
2 Steps forwards and 3 steps back
Leaves uf fools in our own eyes
When we pause and step back.

Description:
The Sufi law of life requires...
Kindness to the young Generosity to the poor Good counsel to friends Forebearance with enemies Indifference to fools Respect to the learned

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
--George Orwell

Wired 13.04: The Bitter Pill

2005-04-01T16:34:00.000-08:00
Wired 13.04: The Bitter Pill

How many ppl are bein denied the fruits of our science? How many ppl could be living a halfway normal life? Fuckin a. Heroin addiction is some destructive shit - this would end it. Yet the dawdle...

village voice > music > Digging in the Dirt by Jaime Lowe

2005-04-01T15:51:00.000-08:00
village voice > music > Digging in the Dirt by Jaime Lowe

Collecting Our Blame

Reminiscing on days watching Amos and Andy
But now MTV passes out the hatred like candy
So the children still don't think we can all get along
And the parents think they right when they actually wrong
If you smoke from a bong, or a blunt, or you use it in cooking
Don't we all try to get high while nobody is looking?
It's human nature to focus in on what's physically different
But where you from ain't more important than who gets to eat, is it?
The haves hold the have-nots in cages, and allow visits
The poor learn to obey while the rich learn physics
Well fuck that
There's just as many assholes in classrooms
As locked up in the box getting herded past goons
And ask whom why it stays the same?
The same people who print the bibles have the Titles in they names
Its a shame
That they willing to corrupt the truth
And then corrupt anything that might be touched as proof
Cuz if you touch the roof
After you break the glass ceiling
You realize that there's still alot more than what you're feeling
And you'll look at the walls and notice the paint is peeling
Because only with the works of man have you been dealing.
So I sip darjeeling, and good oolong tea
While I try to get a handle on something bigger than me
And that lets me see
The only black is fingerprint ink
The only white the scared eyes of those hittin the clink
I sip my warm drink
Because that place is cold like ice skating rinks
And it gets clicked up between brown ,yellow and pink
I blink
And wonder can I make this change?
Am I the only one alive now who thinks its strange?
My brain runs on octane, blue flame, and white pain
But regardless unless you're heartless you be feeling the same -
And whether you the type to explain or to start testing ur aim
By sitting idle we're collecting our blame...

RIP ODB - Hope Those angels got yo money

Google Search: Elaine Pagels

2005-04-01T00:26:00.000-08:00
Google Search: Elaine Pagels

I think I might have lost my previous post - due to random drunkeness. As such im gonna leave the thoughts in that way to the trash heap of - well to nothing. I did however feel kinda bad about missin all my friends - i gotta hurry up and get back to school - thas a bizarre thing to say.

Google Search: Elaine Pagels

2005-04-01T00:23:00.000-08:00
Google Search: Elaine Pagels

Wow. I just had a discussion about God and all that. I need to go read something to settle my mind ykno?

Screw Face

2005-03-30T20:21:00.000-08:00
"Got a screw face all night all day
Screw face kids brothers aren't paid
Screw face means kid why you waste away
Screw face means get out my way
Screw face means you don't know me,
what you lookin at what's your beef?!?
Screw face means I'm not havin it
Screw face means I'm not a chief
Screw face means I'm not happy right now
Dat's why no smile was used
Screw face means I'm not pleased
Screw face means I'm not amused
Screw face means I jus wanna walk not talk
Screw face means I jus wanna leave
When I act off, aint my screw face, gimme space
Screw face means let me breathe!
-Dizzee Rascal, 'Stop Dat'"

Lives Valued at A Pittance

2005-03-30T12:53:00.000-08:00
Done drank day-in to day-out and asked for more
Woke up, stayed-in, played-out around four
Had a rumble in my tummy which I chose to ignore,
And hit the spot blazin' haze 'n wildin out full bore -
But that was way back when
I was accustomed to jackin,
Frequent ho mackin -
Thug Life Passion
Crashin
For a moment just to do it again,
The cipher sacrament our only atonement for the sins
We'd only ride with our kin
Solemn belief in crew love
All us against the world
Livin the lives of Tru thugs
And ya, we knew blood
Ran cheap like kool-aid
So we respected those who took
And shit on those who paid
But I was coming of age
And wasn't destined for that -
Most of those people are locked up
Crackheaded or capped,
While I'm about to wrap
Up my first degree,
And I'm from a way of life to once a month
With the sticky gree’
And its so sad to me
That it was all a huge waste
Altho I'm thankful for the memories i've got and the Screw Face
But I don't pour a taste of every drink that i crack
Because they can't taste it where they are and They not coming back
So instead I stay on track to push an Ac
Fully legal
And further I leave the gat where its at and Avoid evil
Cuz Eagles only fly if they live to get older,
And for each one that dies I get a little bit colder,
My hatred for the system has gone from chip to boulder
So I can barely hold the weight as its pushing down my shoulders
But I -
Persevere for the ones who aren't here and the
Ones who won't get out for like 10 to 20 years
So I go heavy on the beers -
You'll never feel my pain:
I got a broken heart, bad eyes, and i'm legally insane
So don’t try to get in my brain
It’s a dark dangerous void –
And yes - the look you see in my eyes is paranoid
And yes – I may snap from being mildly annoyed
My poise
Stems from knowing that I’m an instrument of vengeance
The sword in the hands of all lives valued at a pittance
They should have given me a life sentence
For now we’ll claim remittance,
I’ll not stand with bound hands while my brothers remain victims.

Description:
Oh you know how it goes - first nostalgia takes you, then sadness, and finally self-righteousness.

The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: Whose Team Am I On?

2005-03-29T02:32:00.000-08:00
The New York Times > Opinion > Op-Ed Columnist: Whose Team Am I On?: "The Yankee ideal is: All cower before the greatness that is Rome."

Cower bitches - Cower.

Girl You Gotta Understand by particularshard

2005-03-28T20:49:00.000-08:00
Description:

‘If you two can talk about the ex as an important part of your partner´s *past*, that is quite healthy. You shouldn´t have to pretend that nobody else ever existed in each others´ lives.

However, if your partner talks about her ex constantly, and especially if she compares you to him, then it´s time to address the situation. The main focus of you both should be your current relationship. This current relationship is unique, and has its own strengths and weaknesses. To compare it to any other relationship is asking for trouble. It´s time to really accept that the other relationship is done with, and that this one in your hands should be focused on.’

Girl You Gotta Understand
-------------------------------------------

Please don't think that I argue for the sake of the conflict,
That hasn't been me for at least a couple years
But don't you know I'll have trouble stayin cool on the calm shit
When you tell me 'don't get stuck on my fears?'
Because I used to be a Proud Boy growing to
A Proud Man
But lately I'm just Proud
And so as not to be a cowed Boy Ima be a loud Man
Because these are the states I'm allowed.
However underneath the beef my chief belief remains
That there must be a damn good reason for all the pain
And like the rain, you can see such reasons coming at you from where land meets sky -
Baby I'll be damned if I cry
Because I lied to myself and said things were cool
Just so I wouldn't have to argue with you
Over the years I've decided,
And Pardon the rule
That keeping up a lie can be harder than Truth
And if the proof
Is in the pudding
Than shouldn't we get to eating?
I don't know about you, but I don't stress over the fleeting.
Even, if the stress is what makes the thing leaving
I'd be remiss to sit pissed and quiet while I'm seething
Then grieving
All those regrets I could have set right yet ripe time was never the right time -
Like tryin to take your shooter without the right lime
It would pain me to a level just bordering on a crime
So look, i'm not the jealous type or the overzealous type
Unless of course I feel you try to gull a fella right?
Or as in this case, you can't leave the past alone,
And frankly can't cut ties with the cats you boned
But time has shone that isn't bad per se
Still I don't wanna hear about these guys every fucking day -
Especially because if they get in my way
I won't hesitate to knock they asses to next may
So like Aaliyah back in the day, Hey
'We Need a Resolution,'
Things have to adapt or die -
That's just evolution
And all my elocution
Can't change that fact
And it would take a revolution to change how I react,
To the way people act
And I'm not sure I'd want to
So just apply some tact
And don't prematurely end the hunt boo....

Elite Skills - Watch Me by particularshard

2005-03-25T01:35:00.001-08:00
Elite Skills - Watch Me by particularshard

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on the stage,
Like im words on the page
Or like im just a monkey in the cage
Rage in the zoo
Which is why its fuck this and fuck you
With my loose head wishing it just had one more screw
Cuz you the many and I'm the few
Making it much harder to know the next thing I'm gonna do
So watch me
Can you see the monkey on my back?
You gonna say somethin?
I may be chunky but not fat -
I'm not the flunky with the bat, in fact
I'm on the roof with a telescopic lens -
I pull the trigger and all your watching ends.
Reality bends in the space around me
And there wasn't much more than the Hate when they found me
And now wot hounds me
Is that sweet lover who held me tight
Back in the days when I was alone because I wasn't white
So I had to fight
For every scrap off the table
And so every night
I tried my best to scratch off the label
So like cable with a v-chip I wasn't quite right
But I got third-eye sight
And decided to live life just a bit more right -
To stop going to class every day with a knife.
Also to stop feeding off fury from the strife.
So like Lazurus I live again
Even though I'm doused in Sin
And I don't wanna be clean since its become like A friend
And friends can't just be abandoned
Everything I've done so far its had its hand in
But still I'm on the Highway to Heaven like
Michael Landon
So I keep boppin like Hanson
Because there is no other option
You can watch me or not
either way im not stopping
But trying to stop me'd have the 9 mil poppin
don't forget my ppl in the day called me the Throne
Because the shine that I shine is the brightest that's ever shone.
Watch me baby -
I'm the best that'll ever be known
And at the last call I might blast ya'll
So I can watch myself alone

Elite Skills - Watch Me by particularshard

2005-03-25T01:35:00.000-08:00
Elite Skills - Watch Me by particularshard

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on the stage,
Like im words on the page
Or like im just a monkey in the cage
Rage in the zoo
Which is why its fuck this and fuck you
With my loose head wishing it just had one more screw
Cuz you the many and I'm the few
Making it much harder to know the next thing I'm gonna do
So watch me
Can you see the monkey on my back?
You gonna say somethin?
I may be chunky but not fat -
I'm not the flunky with the bat, in fact
I'm on the roof with a telescopic lens -
I pull the trigger and all your watching ends.
Reality bends in the space around me
And there wasn't much more than the Hate when they found me
And now wot hounds me
Is that sweet lover who held me tight
Back in the days when I was alone because I wasn't white
So I had to fight
For every scrap off the table
And so every night
I tried my best to scratch off the label
So like cable with a v-chip I wasn't quite right
But I got third-eye sight
And decided to live life just a bit more right -
To stop going to class every day with a knife.
Also to stop feeding off fury from the strife.
So like Lazurus I live again
Even though I'm doused in Sin
And I don't wanna be clean since its become like A friend
And friends can't just be abandoned
Everything I've done so far its had its hand in
But still I'm on the Highway to Heaven like
Michael Landon
So I keep boppin like Hanson
Because there is no other option
You can watch me or not
either way im not stopping
But trying to stop me'd have the 9 mil poppin
don't forget my ppl in the day called me the Throne
Because the shine that I shine is the brightest that's ever shone.
Watch me baby -
I'm the best that'll ever be known
And at the last call I might blast ya'll
So I can watch myself alone

The New York Times > National > Truck Driver Spared Death in Smuggling of Immigrants

2005-03-23T22:11:00.000-08:00
The New York Times > National > Truck Driver Spared Death in Smuggling of Immigrants

Why they don't kill people like this I'll never know. Bastard smuggles illegal aliens into the country, using their hope to extort them of wot little money they have, and then lets them suffocate. If thas not a good reason for capital punishment i just don't know wot could be. An they were unable to do it because they couldn't agree on the technicalities? Wasn't somebody there smart enough to realize that 'hey, we can't figure out exactly why, but somebody's got to die.'

Right. So I'm talking to this girl Lisa more and more often. The more I know about her, the more things start to like sketchy. She's a very nice girl, but the way she teases gets me a little pissed sometimes. Not to mention she has some social habits that I just can't approve of. Take for instance the list of guidelines i put down below.

My Rules for Successful Relationships
1. never be friends with an ex
2. never settle for second best with somebody
3. never commit to a girl you met while she was cheating
4. never give second chances
5. never play step-pop

Now she breaks rule one all the time. She lets guys break rules 2,4 and 5. Thas some dangerous stuff. Girls who make men stupid are likely to make me stupid, because i'm men. I'm gonna keep with it for the moment though, because I like danger, just like everybody else does....

They Pray And Pray On My Downfall

2005-03-20T12:41:00.000-08:00
So last night was a narrowly avoided fiasco. Still all good tho. This chick Brook - man ya wanna talk about spoilage. I wanna say that that nigga Glen is a friggin hero to put up with that shit in the interests of friendship. Makes me guilty - Thas a good friend right there.

She was just on all this pointless bossy shit, and then was trying to get us out to this wack bar. Now mind you wen she started wanting to go to the bar everybody else was just kinda burnt - we needed some time to sober up or get down. At the end she apparently ended up going with Glen to yet another bar. Shady tho, cuz i found where her supposedly best friend was chilling tonite, Christina, and she didn't wanna go there - guess deep down she kno's who don't like her, even if she talks a good game.

Ok, so about being a good friend. I don't owe this girl shit - I've known her for a minute, but she's still just a trick. Completely expendable. However, I should start being nicer to Heather. Its unfair for me to dip out just cuz things get tough. With all the shady people out there, i suppose you gotta take care of the ones who generally have your best interests at heart, even if they have a bad time putting them into effect.

So this Lisa chick is great. No complaints. I've found myself lookin for flaws - well alternately while looking real hard not to find flaws. Perhaps they aint even there. Really doesn't matter. I like this trajectory right now - im down for coasting to wotever. Its all good. I have such a horrible weakness for island women....

Wired News: Are Nanobacteria Making Us Ill?

2005-03-14T22:48:00.000-08:00
Wired News: Are Nanobacteria Making Us Ill?

This stuff right here? Fascinating. 100 times smaller than bacteria and still replicating with a biological life-cycle. I keep up with this particular line of research because I always wondered where and how people draw the line between life and inert. I mean, even some simple molecules are self-replicating, and even the smallest atom has desire. If you think about it, this could be the first step in a scientific understanding of the oneness of all matter. If we are all life, then we are all also inert and all that. I feel a lot of comraderie with my hydrogen atom brethren.

The Latest Love Poem

2005-03-13T15:27:00.000-08:00
Its not specifically directed, but perhaps specifically inspired. Also, have you ever heard Mariah Carey's 'Dream Lover?' Bring that down like 50% and you have about where I'm at....

Crimes of Love

I want you like the trees want the sun,
I'm always reaching.
Be a lesson to a Fortunate Son
Who's always speaking.

I long for anything you might give:
Prescient addict.
I would die for the chances you live,
The erotic so tragic.

Each night I sleep that I could wake to your smile
A fever dream
And I'd give up sleep just to taste you a while,
A caress of steam.

To offer much is to small return:
Cold world's defeat.
I am the fire, needs have I must burn.
Bask in my heat.

I've got no motive besides Spring's sweet melody,
Who says that its wrong?
Let me sing you to sleep, its my predicate felony.
Join in my song.

Description:
I can only truly make love when I’m in love, otherwise I’m just going through the oceans ya dig? A stupid friend wishing to be more recently said to me that she had a lot of love to give – I laughed because she had it wrong. Myself I give a lot of love to have the one (or less preferably few) who takes me is as my own flesh.

The Latest Flow

2005-03-02T05:54:00.000-08:00
The trees reach for the sky as they guzzle the sun
As I scream to the Lord, 'They can't muzzle me son!'
Let the government come,
And bring all the King's men
Because I live life several hours ahead like England
But I bubble like the Continent
With vowels and troubled consonants,
And I've been waiting to piss on these fools like
I'm incontinent
But still I wait–on
Because I want more than Day-tons;
In fact I’m like Phaet-on
I want the sun to play on.
I can’t settle till I got more than I deserve and that’s my word,
And go down in history as ‘a brilliant bastard with some nerve,’
For going from some nerd
To the last word that’s heard –
Become the living Word like talking nouns and verbs
And I want to be referred to as
‘The best that done-did-it’
In plaques, on the shrines, at the places where I shitted
I admit it:
I got an addiction to grandiosity but only because my brain
Is always working at such a high velocity
It’s got to be a sign that I’ve got a golden mind,
So I’ll be damned if any hand but my own ends up holding mine
And my shine
These days rivals the celestial –
I got myself just in the door like the vestibule
And terrestrial concerns
Get clipped like side-burns
Because knowledge is power and mine grows
With every bit that I learn.
I affirm,
That its unfair for me to walk around
But what else can a predator do but stalk the grounds?
The talking sounds
I hear in protest, sound no less
Than Pharisees hating me and plotting on my death
I can’t rest –
Not until I feel my deal is finished
And the ambition to which I listen is at least somewhat diminished,
So fuck beginners!
I’m a practiced professional
And I’ll torch you on your porch
With my dramatic confessionals
Like I’m blessing you,
Prometheus brought flames from the mount
And I’ve been nice enough to bring the people flames from my mouth
No doubt

Good god almighty.

Underused Vocab: Love

2005-03-01T07:57:00.000-08:00
Many four-letter words have been trivialized:
evil, shit, blow, etc.
Colloquially, all these words routinely mean their opposite -
They aren't alone either.

As a special note, 'sanction' is its own antonym.

Ok but back to love.
Love never means its opposite.
It has an opposite word that means its opposite, 'Hate'
And hate never means love.
Perhaps this level of absolutism is why I shy from using such words.
I've decided however, this is a mistake.

1) 'Love' is a good word to say to people who brighten your day.
2) The repeated mental application of the word 'love' to a situation you merely like makes it merely enjoyable. (try it)
3) Showing love at every oppurtunity endears you to your fellows.
4) Telling people that you 'love' them unequivically shows you regard them in a positive light.
5) 'Love' is truly between and within all of us, and should thus be acknowledged.

Just a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood shard.

Maybe I Should Sleep

2005-02-28T23:25:00.000-08:00
Maybe I Should Sleep

Its been a long today, since when I woke.
It's gonna be a long tomorrow even if it's as I hope.
I wish I'd paid more attention when they made the rules,
Because it seems they set the system against fools.
I sip my bourbon, I inhale my smoke
There's peace in a cigarette and the bottle's full of hope.
My mind is making dreams look like I'll never see,
And I know somehow I should just let it be...

So maybe I should sleep?
But I've exhausted my fatigue,
And used my sheep up for the week
And if I sleep...
I'll wake to tomorrow,
And this is night i'd like to keep

My life is a melody, a little out of tune.
Lately it's like i hear it from another room.
I know the audience will clap so long as I don't let up,
Its just that sometimes when I'm in bed I can't get up.
The sun kisses my window, but I can't kiss back
Because all that really means is wakefulness is back.
I look at the clock and think that I should be somewhere,
But I close my eyes and wonder, 'do I care?'

So maybe I should sleep?
But I've exhausted my fatigue,
And used my sheep up for the week
And if I sleep...
I'll wake up later in this day,
Because Maybe if I sleep it will be okay....

this is to music. Hopefully I'll figure out how to post that too.

The New York Times > New York Region > Private Health Care in Jails Can Be a Death Sentence

2005-02-28T15:07:00.000-08:00
The New York Times > New York Region > Private Health Care in Jails Can Be a Death Sentence

Okay, I've been reading this here article, and I'm furious. No that Doesn't cut it. Its really a compound level of anger. See, I knew things were bad in prisons, from a mental healthcare standpoint. This is not new info for me. In fact, that is the main reason that I want to get the training I want to get. Its disgusting. However, the thing that makes me furious is the perfunctionary notice it receives from acquaintances of mine who claim to care. Most can't even take the time to read it, let alone empathize with it. No wonder nothing ever gets changed.

Makes one wonder (if that one is me). Is it possible that all my friends simply humor me at this point, because they know if they disagree I'll argue and if they say they don't care there's a good chance I'll dip? Even if this is true, is it unfair of me to take this as a negative, instead of focusing on the obvious fact that my friends must then want to have me around very much? Honestly it goes back and forth ad nauseum. This means I'm over-thinking the situation - check. I'll just go with my gut instinct: Fuck all ya'll.

We had no school today (yay!) but I didn't have school anyhow (boo!). I haven't so much as touched the snow out there. It looks wet and nasty. Plust i'm sick. I only buy into that shit about the cold hurting ur immune system when mine is already hurt - like now. Note I continue to smoke my newps. Speaking of that - I think its time to see the sun, get some food, and have a beer. Oops - missed the sun again. The other ones are still good. I'll leave you with the words of U2 - So many are losing, me included, but who the fuck is winning?

Yes...I can’t believe the news today
Oh, I can’t close my eyes and make it go away
How long...How long must we sing this song?
How long? how long...’cause tonight...we can be as one
Tonight...Broken bottles under children’s feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end street
But I won’t heed the battle call
It puts my back up
Puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday bloody sunday...)(allright lets go!)
And the battle’s just begun
There’s many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Sunday, bloody sunday
Sunday, bloody sunday
How long...How long must we sing this song?
How long? how long...’cause tonight...we can be as one
Tonight...Tonight...Sunday, bloody sunday (tonight)
TonightSunday, bloody sunday (tonight)(come get some!)
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
Wipe your tears away
I wipe your tears away(sunday, bloody sunday)
I wipe your blood shot eyes(sunday, bloody sunday)
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday, bloody sunday)
Sunday, bloody sunday (sunday, bloody sunday)(here I come!)
And it’s true we are immune
When fact is fiction and tv reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die
The real battle yet begun (sunday, bloody sunday)
To claim the victory jesus won (sunday, bloody sunday)
On...Sunday bloody sunday
Sunday bloody sunday...
- U2, 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'

Our great war is a spiritual war...our great depression is our lives...
-Tyler Dirden

My Philosophy pt. i-------------------------------------------

2005-02-27T12:29:00.000-08:00
Once I dreamed that I was a taoist monk
experiencing the beauty of the Way.
In all ways a taoist monk.
I enjoyed nonaction as a taoist monk,
not knowing I was Mu.
Suddenly I awoke and was surprised`to be myself again.
>Now how can I tell whether I was an Immortal
> who dreamed she was a taoist monk,
>Or whether I am a taoist monk
> who dreams she is an Immortal?
>Between Hsi Wang Mu and the taoist monk
> there must be differentiation.
>Yet in the dream nondifferentiation takes place.
>>This is called interfusion of things.

In fact, the things don't fuse, and there need be no differentation. While that works well in our heads, its not necessary in reality. Emanation - look it up. and then think about the human body. Each and every 'thing' in existence is just a cell of that body that is the Tao - that and the space around the body and the room that its all in and- ad infinitum, you know what i mean. You can only talk about stuff like this correctly if you use relativism. Anyhow, the separation is only in our heads, and in fact in the 'heads' of most other things. All our human cells simultaneously know they are independant entities with their own responsibilities and also part of a superorganism. they see no contradiction here. Human cells that are unaware they are human are called 'cancer.' Our goal is to recognize our true existence. If you think about it, all religions say this: you are flawed, you must improve for some reason - sound familiar? Perhaps all the myriad reasons are simiply euphemisms for 'don't be a tumor?'